I think my friend has an eating disorder
- Should I change my eating habits to fit in with them?

People often think that eating disorders are just about food and weight. But they are not. They are about feelings as well. Eating disorders are a way of coping with feelings that are making someone unhappy or depressed. It may be difficult to face up to, and talk about feelings like anger, sadness, guilt, loss or fear. The eating disorder is an unconscious attempt to avoid these feelings, or to keep them under control. It is a sign that person needs help coping with his/her life and how they see themselves as a person.

There are many reasons why people develop eating disorders. Often there is no one cause, but a whole series of events, feelings or pressures, which make the person, feel unable to cope. These can include:

• Changes in the family
• Death of someone special
• Problems at school
• Lack of confidence
• Sexual or emotional abuse

Some of the following signs may mean that someone has an eating disorder:

• They keep skipping meals
• They stop eating in front of others
• Only talking about food, or the shape of their body
• They keep disappearing to the toilet
• They have become very distant from family and friends
• They can't stop eating

What can you do to help?
When people we care about are in trouble our first instinct is often to try and make it better for them. But if you can, try not to give advice, give time - and listen. They may just need you to be there when things are hard to cope with. Listen to what they are saying and gently encourage them to seek professional help. Offer to go with them if that would help, but don't take responsibility for their illness; it is still their responsibility to seek help for themselves as this is the only way they will get better in the long term.

Should I change your eating habits to fit in with them?
NO! Don't change your own eating habits. Unless your friend sees someone close to them consuming a 'normal' amount of food, they could get more and more out of touch with normality. Don't let them make you feel guilty about eating a healthy balanced diet. Try not to talk about food or calories. Find other topics of conversation wherever possible.

Should I try and force them to eat something?
No. Ultimately your friend has the right to choose when and what he/she eats. Encourage them to eat 'normally' if you can but don't force someone; you may make them dig their heels in even further and make it into an even bigger issue. Also, if you push someone too hard, they may feel like they can't talk to you on the subject any more because you don't respect them.

Why doesn't my friend join in like they used to?
If your friend has an eating disorder he/she may find it increasingly hard to join in with social events. They may want to spend more time on their own, and may become more withdrawn and isolated. Try encouraging them; telling them why you like them and making it clear that you value their friendship. Don't give up! Try to include them in activities. Even if they don't join in, it's still nice to be asked. It will help make him/her feel valued, and raise their self-esteem.

Should I tell someone?
If it's just a passing phase that your friend is going through then we would wait and see how things progress before telling someone else as this is a hard thing to do. But if it has been going on for some time, or has recently got more serious, or if at any point you feel concerned about your friend's safety, then you need to tell someone, both for their sake and yours. Is there an adult you trust that you could tell; possibly a teacher or a parent or an older sibling? Don't just go around telling all your friends; otherwise your friend could end up feeling betrayed and like everyone is talking about him/her. Go to someone older and wiser.

For the sake of your friendship it would be better if they did the telling themselves, so if your friend is willing to get help we would always try that first. If they refuse to and you are genuinely worried then you should tell someone you trust and ask for some more help. If you can, tell your friend first that you are worried about them and you feel like you have to tell someone else.

You may have to face the fact that they may not like what you have done, even if you did it for their best, but in time they will appreciate your decision. Do it as gently and quietly as you can and only tell those you have to, and the impact on your friendship will not be as big. Sometimes we have to do what we know is right even if we are fearful our friends may be angry or upset with us, because we care about them and want the best for them, even if that is difficult to do.

It is very difficult for people with eating disorders to get better on their own. Recovery is much easier with the help and support of those who care for them. It can take a very long time to recover from an eating disorder. Willpower on its own may not be enough, and there are experts out there who know what the options are much better than you or we do. The sooner a sufferer gets help, the greater the chance of recovery. But getting better is often a long and painful process.

It is very important to remember that only your friend can take responsibility for getting better. You can't do it for them, but your support will be very important in this process and could help make the difference between getting better or not.

Acceptance
Support
Information